Dear Santa, If It’s Not Too Much Trouble
Christmas lists from Notable Minnesotans
1) Quarterback (with moving parts)
2) Stadium (Personal-seat licenses for you and the nine reindeer comes to $93,599)
3) New lawyers
4) Shredder (industrial size)
5) Mustache trimmer (industrial size)
6) The Sopranos DVD box set
1) A movie released in America
2) In theaters
3) I mean, look what you did for Scarlett Johansson
4) And I’m prettier
Lynne Rossetto Kasper
1) Hot Cheetos
1) Two quarts Old Overcoat rye whiskey
2) Footie pajamas (extra-large)
2) I mean, why should my meteorologist friends in the Gulf have all the fun?
3) Would a mudslide be so hard?
4) Fine, tropical storm
5) Could I call it a typhoon?
6) Also, new freaking mukluks
7) And make Sven wear a shirt
1) Tanning bed (extra-small)
2) Didn’t say anything about a shirt
1) Tiger’s undivided attention (if out of stock, the faux version)
2) Internet access
3) Wait, no, I just have to plug this cord into…
4) Hold on, logging onto AOL…
5) Wait, he did what?
6) With how many?
7) Baggage cart (extra-large)
1) Memory erasure
2) Lifetime inability to see leopard-print
1) Sideburn trimmer
2) Paper cut that’ll sideline me until the Twins are good again
3) Trade to the Boston Celtics Red Sox
1) Offensive line (with moving parts)
2) Brett Favre’s cell-phone number
1) Ticket to Bali
3) Yeah, I was never really into skiing
4) In fact, I tried to have City Hall moved to Naples, Florida
5) Which is where I’d like to move
6) Soon as I trade this freaking hybrid car
7) For an Escalade
8) Make it two
Tim Gihring, a regular contributor to Minnesota Monthly, is asking Santa for Spam-flavored Cheetos this year.