Everything You Know About Minnesota is Wrong
By TIM GIHRING
Photo by Darrell Eager
(page 1 of 4)
SUMMER IS THE BEST TIME to enjoy our great state—so you should probably know something about it. Like the truth. It ain’t always pretty (see: loon sex) or inspiring (see: more loon sex). And it’s often completely loony (no, not loon sex; there’s nothing funny about that). But it’s time you let go of your most cherished misconceptions. Move into the light. Or to Wisconsin.
Minnesota was settled primarily by Oles and Lenas
Sorry, Sven—the Germans win this time.
Our grandparents’ winters could beat up today’s winters
There’s no doubt our ancestors put up with hardships: What was there to do here in 1890 but tell Ole and Lena jokes, herd moose, and read Sid Hartman? But enduring larger snowfalls? It just isn’t true. The annual snowfall total for most of Minnesota has been steadily rising for as long as such records have been kept, from an average of fewer than 40 inches in the 1890s to more than 55 inches most recently, according to University of Minnesota data. So why does it feel like we’re drying up? “It’s the winter recreational expectation,” says U of M climatologist and meteorologist Mark Seeley, who compiled 200 years of weather history for his Minnesota Weather Almanac. “In the old days, we got a swath of snow late in November and December that persisted on the landscape. The reality is, we haven’t been getting that in recent winters. Our snowfall totals disguise it by showing large numbers, but [the flakes] come late in winter and mostly in two or three storms, rather than being spread out. People who love Minnesota for its winter recreation opportunities are pretty unhappy.”
Paul Wellstone was assassinated
Articles, papers, at least one book, and hundreds of blog entries have made the claim that the plane crash that killed Paul Wellstone and seven others shortly before the 2002 elections was no accident. The conspiracy theorists—ranging from college professors to congressmen—have implicated everyone from the CIA to Republicans to moderate Democrats who felt Wellstone was a liability. But the official investigation, as well as several others, placed full blame on pilot error—a fact that won the Wellstone family and other survivors of the crash victims a $25 million settlement from the air-charter company. “The timing of the crash, among other things, probably caused folks who are disposed to believe in larger theories to jump to other conclusions,” says Jeff Blodgett, spokesman for the family and head of the Wellstone Action civic leadership group. As far as the surviving Wellstone family is concerned, says Blodgett, the investigations settled the matter. Time to park the bus on this one, folks.
Garrison Keillor is who he says he is
It would be hard to argue that anyone has done more to put Minnesota on the map than Garrison Keillor. Only, you should really be thanking Gary Keillor. That’s his real name. In junior high school, he adopted his pen name for the school’s literary magazine. This was “at a time when boys didn’t write poetry,” he’s said. In his mind, Garrison was “a name that means strength and ‘don’t give me a hard time about this.’” So, we won’t. Anymore.
G.B. Leighton, that summer festival mainstay, is an amazingly talented band.
No.
You're hooked on Minnesota walleye.
If you want to eat a walleye from Minnesota you’ll have to catch it yourself—almost all walleye served in our restaurants are shipped in from outside the state. “The only commercially caught walleye from Minnesota is Native American–harvested,” says Tim Lauer, manager of Coastal Seafoods in Minneapolis. And since only a fraction of Indian-caught fish makes it onto the open market, those sold in Minnesota come almost exclusively from Canadian waters. Commercial walleye fishing has been banned for decades in Minnesota to ensure a healthy walleye population for sport fishing. Not that the imports taste particularly, well, foreign. “It’s such a mild fish, we could cook walleye from five different lakes and not tell the difference,” says Lauer. Who knew walleye was an imported delicacy, like Labatt?
Keith Ellison wants you in a burkha, stat
It began as soon as he declared his candidacy, heated up with cries of “Allahu Akbar!” during his acceptance speech, and exploded into crusade-like fervor when he posed with a Koran for his swearing-in photo. “Ellison believes in the sharia [Islamic] legal and justice system,” one blogger wrote. “Ellison Sends Muslims Veiled Message: Fight for Sharia Law,” wrote another. The assumption, promoted by everyone from conservative columnists to reactionary congressmen, is that Ellison wants to overturn American values and impose Islamic law, a notion that Ellison now refuses to even comment on. So let’s consider the facts: Ellison has spent his entire professional life embracing, not dismantling, the U.S. legal system. As a Minnesota legislator, he worked on extending, not withholding, civil rights. As a lawyer and a congressman, he has twice sworn to uphold, not destroy, the U.S. Constitution. How many jihadis can say that?
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