Dear Santa, If It’s Not Too Much Trouble

Zygi Wilf

1)    Quarterback (with moving parts)
2)    Stadium (Personal-seat licenses for you and the nine reindeer comes to $93,599)
3)    New lawyers
4)    Shredder (industrial size)
5)    Mustache trimmer (industrial size)
6)    The Sopranos DVD box set
 

Josh Hartnett

1)    A movie released in America
2)    In theaters
3)    I mean, look what you did for Scarlett Johansson
4)    And I’m prettier
 

Lynne Rossetto Kasper

1)    Hot Cheetos
2)    Takis
 

Garrison Keillor

1)    Two quarts Old Overcoat rye whiskey
2)    Footie pajamas (extra-large)
 

Belinda Jensen

1)    Hurricane
2)    I mean, why should my meteorologist friends in the Gulf have all the fun?
3)    Would a mudslide be so hard?
4)    Fine, tropical storm
5)    Could I call it a typhoon?
6)    Also, new freaking mukluks
7)    And make Sven wear a shirt
 

Sven Sundgaard

1)    Tanning bed (extra-small)
2)    Didn’t say anything about a shirt
 

Lindsey Vonn

1)    Tiger’s undivided attention (if out of stock, the faux version)
2)    Internet access
3)    Wait, no, I just have to plug this cord into…
4)    Hold on, logging onto AOL…
5)    Wait, he did what?
6)    With how many?
7)    Baggage cart (extra-large)
 

Kris Humphries

1)    Memory erasure
2)    Lifetime inability to see leopard-print
3)    Foresight
 

Joe Mauer

1)    Sideburn trimmer
2)    Paper cut that’ll sideline me until the Twins are good again
3)    Trade to the Boston Celtics Red Sox
 

Adrian Peterson

1)    Offensive line (with moving parts)
2)    Brett Favre’s cell-phone number
 

R.T. Rybak

1)    Ticket to Bali
2)    Wetsuit
3)    Yeah, I was never really into skiing
4)    In fact, I tried to have City Hall moved to Naples, Florida
5)    Which is where I’d like to move
6)    Soon as I trade this freaking hybrid car
7)    For an Escalade
8)    Make it two
 

Tim Gihring, a regular contributor to Minnesota Monthly, is asking Santa for Spam-flavored Cheetos this year.