MN Wins Again, and We’ll Never Hear the End of It

OK. 46…47…48. You guys are all here. And you’re sure no one told Minnesota we were getting together? Good. Let’s get started before Ol’ 10,000 Lakes gets nosy.

I know I’m not the biggest state, so sometimes you probably forget about me. (Yeah, I’m looking at you, New York.) But when the story came out recently—“Politico Magazine names New Hampshire best state in the country”—I was pretty excited. Until I realized that I was in a tie. With Minnesota.

What’s that, Vermont? Yeah, I know you came in third. But let’s be honest: We can stand right next to each other and people can’t tell us apart. We’re not exactly like Texas—hey, you big galoot, sorry about coming in 35th. “Remember the Alamo” and all that. Live Free or Die!

Look, Minnesota is going to find out about this sooner or later, and you know what’s going to happen then. Ego explosion! It’s bad enough Minnesota is always near the top of just about everything that gets ranked: most well-read, best for bikes, fittest population…I mean, when it kids around about everyone there being “above average,” you know it’s only half-joking.

But best state? Let’s get real. Minnesota is going to be unbearable. Is there any way to block its internet access for a month or two until things die down? California—can anyone in Silicon Valley help out? And don’t look so smug: You came in 31st, behind Ohio.

(No offense, Ohio. Jeez, you’re sensitive.)

It’s not like Minnesota is so great. It’s about as frozen as I am six months out of the year. And I’m not bragging—I mean, when you’re relying on granite as your calling card, you’re not exactly making people think about string bikinis and the beach.

What’s that, Wisconsin? You’re what about coming in 17th? C’mon, watch your language. Looks like you might need to refill the cans in that beer helmet.

Anyway, we need to figure out how we’re going to deal with this. You know how Minnesota gets all “What, you’re having a drought? Wow, I have so much water. I wish I could share it with you. Anyway, have some more tax money—we all know I pay so much more into the federal coffers than I take in return.”

No, Mississippi, that wasn’t a jab at you. Don’t be that way. I’m just talking about that trademark passive aggressiveness: “So, looks like you had another oil spill. Hmm. You probably ought to clean that up before anyone notices, don’t you think? I guess you should have followed the rules!”

Wait, did you hear that? Colorado, check the door. No, the front door. Hey, why are your and Oregon’s eyes so red?

Oh, hello, Minnesota! We didn’t hear you coming! No, we’re not having a meeting without you. Well, obviously we’re having a meeting, but…maybe you lost your invitation in that big pile of cash from your budget surplus? Am I trying to be funny? Of course not! We totally admire…

Why are you holding up your smartphone? You want us to look at something on the internet? Politico? What’s that? “Best State”? What in the world…

Well, wow! Thanks! It’s great to be at the top of the list with you. Of course it is. Yeah, I know my population is less than half of yours. Sure, I’m the fifth-smallest state. No argument there. How many lakes do I have? Well, I’ve never counted, I’m sure it’s not nearly as many as yours…

(We’ll never hear the end of this.)