The Twin Cities' Best, Worst, and Strangest Yelp Reviews

The Good

Muddy Waters
Elena T., 6/11/13
I’m high on love for this place. They never disappoint me. I get along better with my friends when we happy hour here, I love my boyfriend more when we get drinks here and I love myself more when I eat dinner here. The ambiance is perfect, the patio is hip, the food is delicious and the service is friendly. Get Muddy or go home.

Zelo
Dawn G., 4/18/13
*****
Oh, Zelo, how I love you. Let me count the ways…1. Mmmmm, pasta. Can I just get a bowl of the tomato-based sauce you put on the ravioli? K, thanks. The noodles in their pasta dishes are incredibly fresh, which makes a huge difference. I’m so happy that they come in half or full portions so I can stuff my face with more than one at a sitting.”¨”¨ 2. Perfectly cooked seafood and fish. Dang can Zelo cook up a great scallop! Yesterday I used the work lunchroom microwave to warm up my leftover pesto-crusted sea bass with wasabi mashed potatoes and I practically had to act like a lion tamer to keep people away. Workplace food envy? Check. ”¨”¨3. Ahi tuna spring rolls and crisps appetizers. Never leave me my favorite irresistible friends!”¨”¨4. $5 pineapple martinis and apps (see #3) during happy hour!”¨”¨5. Have you ever stopped your conversation to just stare at the art and decorative ceiling here? It’s like eating at an awesome art museum.”¨”¨6. Banana caramel gelato. I’m drooling as I write this. They offer daily sorbet and gelato flavors and this one was one of my favs. I get giddy excited to see what flavors they have with each visit. I love surprises! And chocolate molten cake. Zelo’s Budino dessert makes my chocolate-allergic friend risk the reaction. Yeah, that good.”¨”¨I could keep going on but my lunch break has come to an end. I dine at Zelo so often I practically live there. They could charge me rent and I’d be totally okay with that.

Bar La Grassa
Lisa E., 2/23/15
*****
What more can possibly be said that over 600 other reviewers haven’t already said? Bar La Grassa is absolutely FANTASTIC!  The richness and depth of flavors bring you to culinary heaven.  From the moment we sat down, we were wowed by spectacular flavors and textures that can only be described as blissful.  Buttery smooth and rich egg and lobster bruschetta, a symphony of textures and flavors that are paired flawlessly. There must be a magic farm somewhere with magic cows and chickens, providing the paradise filled butter and eggs in this dish. We tried to rank the dishes we had, but what we found is that they were all number one. Every bite incredible! Each of the dishes a work of art, the best meal of my life!


The Bad

HAUS Salon
Paul H., 3/29/15
*
Guys – Go here and see the “mens specialist” if you want to look like the home remodeling reality show host that she saw on tv last night – or her favorite boy band from 1992. The woman did EXACTLY the opposite of what SHOULD have been done to my hair. She even did the opposite of what I asked for. I liked my hair when I went in, I just wanted to have her shape the top a little bit because I had been traveling for 2 months and it got pretty long. She suggested a “detail”, not a cut because it still looked good, just had some rough edges. I though that sounded like a solid professional recommendation. Then she snipped about 3 inches off the side of my head. She left the top long/untouched – with a nice ledge around my head (think the Beatles or the three stooges). So if you have no personal style and you don’t really care what you look like this month – check this place out.

Quang
Khoa T., 6/3/10
*
Overprice Vietnamese Food.
Charge you for food you did not order.
MSG galore, if you love MSG this is the place to be.  (I wouldn’t be surprise if they added some MSG to your drink too.)  MSG is a food enhancer, it makes poop taste good.  MSG gets deposited in your brain because your body doesn’t know what to do with it.
If you decide you need Vietnamese food I wouldn’t recommend this place, there is one down the street that is a little better.  
But if you must eat here ask them for a breakout of your bill.
They like to add tips for them self.  So don’t tip them because it might already be added to the bill even if your by yourself.

Isles Bun and Coffee
Adam P., 5/6/09
**
I wanted a caramel roll, but they were sold out, so I went with what I was told was the next best thing: a puppy dog tail. It was nice and soft, but it didn’t stand out as anything fantastic. I think I had built my hopes up too high.
The tub of frosting also grossed me out a bit (in the same way that a buffet does). I could just imagine a pudgy little hand reaching into the pile while Dad looks out the window at the twenty-something brunette walking by.


The Strange

George & the Dragon
By Jonathan T., 2/5/2014
*****
Once upon a time, in the distant land of Southwest, rested a quaint gastro pub full of magical and delectable, yet challenging treats. My Asian maiden and I embarked on a journey from the north to battle with George and his magical dragon. It would change our lives (and palates) forever.

Once we made reservations for our ambitious quest, off we went through the treacherous cold.

We arrived and were immediately met by a friendly gatekeeper. She seated our adventurous selves and requested her brother-in-arms, Pablo, to come assist us on our voyage.

With so many paths to choose from, we asked what us northerners should tackle that night. He selected for us, and we began our bout five minutes later…

CHALLENGE I: Beer Battered Onion Rings
Also known as the Golden Goblets of Gluttony (3Gs), our first task was already incredibly daunting. Even though the onion rings fared as large as modern day donuts, we broke the goblets with our mighty hands and pummeled them into dipping bowls of tomato blood and chipotle lava.

CHALLENGE II: Uncle Bryan Burger
Uncle Bryan is a medium rare bastard, and he came with his merry men named compart bacon, amablu cheese, and avocado. His clan was met with our steel teeth, and we ripped out their delicious hearts and ate them live. Each one was no match for our deadly appetites. After the bloodbath, Bastard Bryan’s disciple of fries was nothing of our interest. However, we decided to kill them anyway.

CHALLENGE III: The Dragon’s Milk Braised Beef Rib
We were attacked unexpectedly by the dragon’s savory and hearty milk braised beef rib. AHHHHH! But we held our defensive positions! At first, the task seemed incredibly daunting, and I would be lying if I didn’t confess that the idea of retreat didn’t permeate my mind; rather, we sat and fought while listening to the bellow of icy tunes that filled the room from ancient philosophers such as the Red Hot Chili Peppers and RJD2. Slowly but surely, we slayed the dragon and her milk braised beef rib, but we did not leave uninjured.

CHALLENGE IV: Crème Brulee
Unexpectedly, the wonderful Pablo visited to see how we fared with the challenges that he presented to us. Happy that we finished each trial, he then offered an opportunity we couldn’t refuse: eating through the lake of crème brulee.

After slightly recovering from our wounds, we proceeded to the lake, and we were met with a delicate brown and black ice that covered a creamy, silky, and suffocating bottom. We tiredly shoveled through this exquisite sugary goodness, and finished before we almost died of heart disease. We crossed the lake, barely…

Pablo, perhaps the greatest assistant in gastro pub lore, gave us the check. We were satisfied with the cost incurred and rewarded him with many green tokens of our appreciation.

Later that night, we proceeded to the north, entered our home, and slept forever, and ever, and ever…

The End

Icehouse
By Nicholas G., 11/20/2013
*****
Foie Gras Dynasty

You might be thinking… What is foie gras and what does it have to do with dynasty? Okay, so maybe some of you actually know what it is and are putting the two of them together and figuring out my cleverness. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s a little hint, calm down and instead of holding on to your britches, hold on to your feathers!

Are you still confused? Whelp, here it is in plain French. Foie gras is French for “fatty liver”, the liver of a duck or goose that has deliberately been fattened up to create an amazing delicacy. I’ll say it with you, “ooooooooh, now I get it – Duck Dynasty!” I suppose you’re wondering why I would eat such a thing and what it was on? This time I’ll spell it out in plain English for you, Heaven! Where can you find heaven? The Icehouse – Minneapolis and it’s in a $22 burger. Yep, a $22 burger!

This burger was definitely the most expensive burger I’ve ever purchased, but after reading the description, it was a must that I try it. Hey, it was my birthday! Here’s that description; Icehouse Burger – seared foie gras, truffle demi-glace. That description needed no further information and my mind was made up, I must try! Now, I must say one thing… If you do decide to try this, and you should, remove all condiments from the table, they should not be used. If you do use them, you’ll ruin this masterpiece! I mean really… foie gras and truffle demi-glace on a burger….. like I said, heaven!

What did your wife get? Ah yes, she did indeed order a meal as well and that too was one of the best meals I’ve ever had the privilege of trying as well. Her meal was the Poached Alaskan Salmon served with prawn & potato croquette, chablis and chanterelle – AMAZING! Easily the best Alaskan Salmon I’ve ever had and a must try. Oh, don’t be afraid of the tiny little caviar looking things, they’re salmon eggs and they’re delicious, so try them!

Life is good and so is food, stop wasting your time at the chains and actually try some real food, good food and food that is actually worth eating. The Icehouse is more on the expensive side, but well worth the money. So the next time you need a place for your anniversary, birthday or special occasion, make your way to the Icehouse. While you’re there, try a Ramos Vaporizer, they’re delicious!

Spyhouse Coffee
By Jay E., 9/2/2013
**
When I was in grad school, I dated an undergrad who made it her business to always be at my apartment. She ate my food, she ran through my beer and wine, she watched my DVDs… without bothering to do the dishes even a single time.

After a week it became clear she didn’t want much from me on a personal level, and any sex I received was as cold and impersonal as a financial transaction, a settling of a debt. Turned out she had a horrible roommate situation, and what made me valuable was my space. Nothing else.

That’s the relationship I have with this particular Spyhouse. The establishment is downright repulsive at times – I hate the way it looks inside; resent the impractical setup at the “coffee bar” with insufficient outlets; regard the service as lamentable; think the coffee is consistently mediocre; had hands-down my worst cold press of the past year here; and find each specialty drink to be singularly unimpressive.

Yet I’ve made several return trips. You know why? You know why? YOU KNOW WHY?

Uh, me either. Was going to say “space” to complete the analogy to my relationship with the undergrad, but that’s not it. I suspect it has something to do with my friend Elena declaring “oh, that place is always popping up in the missed connections.” I’d just moved here and was – as I always seem to be- hoping to find me a lady friend. Well, I sure as hell haven’t had a missed connection yet. So I’m taking the initiative to pen my own, which goes as follows:

Man 4 Good Coffee (MPLS)

Good Coffee, you sexy beast, I have never, ever, not once seen you at Spyhouse on Nicollet. Please start coming to Spyhouse on Nicollet. Not only do I need you and promise to love you, but I assure you there’ll be a host of suitors competing for your affections. We are indeed yearning for your love.

Pics available on request. DDF. Light Roast with big caffeine a +++

 

 

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